in and out burger.
It was my favorite restaurant
when I lived in Cali.
Yes, In-n-Out Burger is awesome. I won’t go quite so far and say that it’s my favorite restaurant, though. Yes, I love it enough to kiss a drive-through sign, but it’s still a dadgum fast food chain. But no matter, this guy loves In-n-Out, and I respect that. Shoot, I more than respect that – I think it’s great. So what’s my problem then, you ask? Well, it would be his profile picture. Burger Man woke up all hung over one morning and apparently decided that he needed a picture of himself for his profile, and he needed it RIGHT THEN. What’s a guy to do? Grab the camera (hey, at least it wasn’t a cell phone camera), run into the bathroom, do not brush hair, do not allow camera to focus, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Take picture in bathroom mirror. While scowling. Done! Upload to website and wait for the honeys to start pouring in!
Any profile picture with a shower curtain in the background is a quintessential FAIL.
What didn’t you like
about my profile?
I can just see his upper lip jutting out and quivering. Stalker, Texas Ranger, please don’t cry. Your tears will not entice me to write you back, much less go out with you. Run along. Shoo.
I’m guessing from this response that he didn’t catch on to the fact that I sent him a canned response conveniently provided by the website. So, time to take another avenue to final rejection: The Block.
“This user has been successfully blocked.” BOOM! Virtual brick wall in yo’ face!
Stalker, Texas Ranger can stalk me no more. WIN!!1!
You are incredibly sexy.
I am a sweet,
and fun guy
here in the DC area.
I just moved
after living in VA Beach
the past four years.
I’d love to know more about you.
you could tell me your name
and how your summer is going?
Anything you may want to know about me,
I’m an open and fun guy
who wants to share a lot
with a woman like you.
Write me soon.
Thanks for the 3rd email in a row, Mr. Eager Beaver Stalker, Texas Ranger! Thanks also for the self-proclamation of sweetness and honesty and all that crap. I appreciate it. Shoot, I even believe it. However, you still live in BF Southern Maryland and do not have any Graham Beck in your refrigerator. Red Flag! Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. DO NOT WRITE ME ANYMORE.
Write me soon. A demand. Stalker, Texas Ranger has the balls to demand that I write him back. If I had some fried okra, I’d pelt him with it. Actually… no I wouldn’t. I’d eat it. I love fried okra. Ok, I’ll pelt him with… corn fritters. Don’t get me wrong, corn fritters are good, too. But they don’t hold a candle to fresh fried okra.
Oh, but back to The Demand. You know what? I actually did write him back – sort of. The website gives you some lovely options if you’re not digging the person who wrote you, yet you want to let them down politely (does that mean ignoring someone isn’t polite…?). It goes something like this:
“Not interested? Click below on one of our pre-written canned responses to let this punk/skank-freak know he/she is wasting his/her time:
1. Thank you for your email, but I’ve met someone, and we’re getting married next week.
2. Thank you for your email, but I’ve started seeing someone recently, and my religion only allows me to date one person at a time, and only under parental supervision.
3. Thank you for your email, but I’ve reviewed your profile, and it sucks donkey balls.”
I clicked on option #3, and boom – canned response sent. I brushed off my hands, confident that this would be the last I’d hear from Mr. EB/STR.
I was wrong.