Tag Archives: cheetah

Name that wild animal!

hi there.

How on Earth did you end up
next to a tiger?
Must be
a good story there!
What can you share
about singing?
Have a favorite composer?
OK,
that’s enough questions
for now!

When I was 2 years old, my grandmother came to help take care of me while my father had surgery. My father had an older-than-dirt green pickup truck with CHEVROLET spelled in big white letters on the tailgate. I was just learning to read a few words at this ripe old age, so one day when my grandmother and I were walking around the yard (ok, Granny was walking – I was doing that groovy toddler waddle), my grandmother pointed at the truck tailgate and said to me, “My dear, can you spell that?” I promptly started rattling off the letters. “C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T.”

“Wonderful, sweetheart! Now what does that spell?”

“Truck.”

So folks, here’s your lesson for the day:  C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T spells “truck”, and cheetahs look just like tigers.   I mean, I totally thought I was petting a tiger until the cheetah set me straight.

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Filed under Dumber than a 5th grader

Brain thinking

Passport-wielding, music-loving gentleman caller

Hello!
Hola, Bon Jour,

Guten Tag, Aloha…

FOR starters —
I had to write the only other person I’ve found
who has a photo
petting a live cheetah.
(Take a look at my profile;
I think you’ll like it.)
More than that,
I really wanted to introduce myself
as an active,
adventurous,
outdoorsy travel buff.

But wait – there’s more!

What else about me?
I also started out working
as a [prestigious school]-trained engineer…
but somewhere mid-course changed to a job
that pays me to travel the world
and do lots of brain thinking.
I also read Arthur Frommer’s Budget Travel…
and I once wrote for [popular travel guidebook].
I can’t sing a note…
but I do have a good ear
and know and appreciate
classical music.
I’m pretty darn good
at grilling a steak…
no promises
on he lping you save your houseplants.
And I’ve got a good-sized brain…
an even bigger heart…

and a huge sense of humor.

So, what can I say?
If you’d like to meet a great guy
who’s part Indiana Jones and part Monty Python,
let me know
and we’ll see if I’m your match.
It’s worth an email to find out…

Oh, my, a gentleman caller! I’ve been sitting here in the parlor of my antebellum mansion, dressed to the nines in a hoop skirt and yards of lace, staying quiet with a smile on my face as all proper ladies should (it’s our place), just WAITING for a gentleman caller to come woo me! WTF.

Mobile Azalea Trail Maids

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, is it really necessary to say hello to me 5 times? I suppose The Gentleman feels the need to showcase his great language skills. ‘Cause that’s just the start of all the, um, “showcasing” in this email.

While I’m thinking about it, I should probably put out a warning that an email this ridiculous and egotistical warrants much more than the usual amount of mockery. Get ready and fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a long one…

Now back to our regularly scheduled mocking. Congratulations on also having petted a cheetah. Here, have a cookie. Feel proud of yourself now? Great. Go home and tell your mommy all about your big day. Who’s a big boy? You’re a big boy! Yay!

Guess what. This active, adventurous, outdoorsy travel buff looks a lot like Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer, only with more of a Magnum P.I. mustache and bad glasses. I suppose I should be all hot-and-bothered with his hoity-toity education and smarts, especially since engineering didn’t give him enough of an opportunity to do “brain thinking”. I just hate it when I don’t get to do enough brain thinking. Thumb-thinking and liver-thinking just aren’t enough for me these days. *Sigh*

Oh, hey, you know that guidebook that The Gentleman wrote for? Remind me never to buy that, would you? Thanks.

What can he say? Geez, what HASN’T he said? Perhaps he could elaborate a little bit more on all his brain thinking, because he just hasn’t mentioned his brain nearly enough in this email.

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Filed under WTF

OMG Cheetah!

Cheetah

OMG,
where did you
pet the Cheetah?
I love Cheetah’s
and would love to have one
as a pet ;-)
Just kidding
about the pet part,
but how cool
would that be?

Well, it seems Cheetah Man was rather taken by the picture above, which I included in my profile.  I thought it was pretty nifty to be able to pet a wild animal that could rip off an appendage had he merely been in the mood to do so, but I didn’t leave thinking, “Hey, this sucker would make a fabulous pet!  He’s got fur like a Brillo pad and could chow down on every animal on my block.  Now I just have to get him through customs…”

There’s a bigger problem here, though…  Cheetah Man is easily old enough to be my father.  Social security is not too far off for this one.  He may be filling out his AARP membership application in anticipation of the Golden Years, but by golly he’s hip enough to use “OMG” in an email.  And seeing that Cheetah Man isn’t all that far from retirement, maybe he’s thinking of activities to fill his time in his old age.  Perhaps a visit to a 4th grade classroom to learn about the proper use of an apostrophe?

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Dumber than a 5th grader, Too old