Category Archives: WTF

Fear the Crossing Guard

crossing guard

I also used to be
a crossing guard…
Money wasn’t great,
but to control the traffic!!!
That is power,

Wow, our Viking from last week has really gone downhill (yep, this would be a second yet equally strange email from him) – from Nordic Overlord to school crossing “cop”. I’d say he’s taking it in stride, though, don’t you think? I mean, if I had gone from sailing the seas and plundering foreign nations all with horns on my head to making a Toyota Corolla stop for a kid in a crosswalk, I’d probably fall into a serious depression and contemplate stabbing myself with those leftover horns.

But not The Viking. Oh no, he will wield the power of his whistle and safety vest because LIVES ARE IN HIS HANDS. You tell that Corolla who’s boss!

Thanks, Jwhandyman of Freaking News!



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The Viking


How long have you been
a Viking?
Being a Viking
has always been my goal…
All that plundering,
over eating
and drinking….
Now that is living.

We all learn something new every day, right?  Well, unless you’re sitting on your couch all day because you overdid those tequila shots last night, in which case you learn that you should never shoot tequila again – at least until next weekend.  But I digress – I have indeed learned something about myself today, and it didn’t require oodles of tequila.  Ladies and gentlemen, I am apparently a Viking.  Well, *&#% me 3 ways ’til Sunday!  And all this time I thought I was British, Native American, and German…

So I guess I should be wearing horns and plundering, huh?  Can girls even do that…?


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The 5th Black Eyed Pea


Yes… I am younger…
That doesnt mean
you shouldnt give me a chance.
I am interested in someone
a lil older than me
(not a cougar haha)
Because I want a serious relationship
or something
that could build up to one.
WOmen in this area that are my age
like partying a lil too much
for me.
I enjoy a night out,
but not at a club.
More of a nice dinner,
a couple drinks…
good convorsation.
If you really do want someone
who is a lil old fashonsed…
I might be the guy
for you.
I am from a small farming type community in Illinois,
and I was raised to treat women
a certian way…
but only if they deserve
to be treated well…
If you want to be treated
like a classy lady,
then you have to act like one.
And if you that kind of girl…
I will do just about anything
to satisfy you
on EVERY level :)
Plus I am sincere,
genuinely NICE,
and might be able to make you laugh.

I hate to break it to this guy, but “Lil’ Lil'” is a Black Eyed Peas song. “Lil” is not a word. And I’m assuming his spell check was on hiatus given the convorsation and the fashonsed and whatnot. I hope he doesn’t like to play Scrabble… that would not end well.

Then he has to go and lecture me on being classy. Dude, I am classy with a capital K. So, that’s great that you want to satisfy me on every level and all, but shall we address that at a later time, say, sometime AFTER the initial email? That’d be great, thanks. My klassy ass would appreciate it.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Shower Shot

Fast Food

I love
in and out burger.
It was my favorite restaurant
when I lived in Cali.

Yes, In-n-Out Burger is awesome. I won’t go quite so far and say that it’s my favorite restaurant, though. Yes, I love it enough to kiss a drive-through sign, but it’s still a dadgum fast food chain. But no matter, this guy loves In-n-Out, and I respect that. Shoot, I more than respect that – I think it’s great. So what’s my problem then, you ask? Well, it would be his profile picture. Burger Man woke up all hung over one morning and apparently decided that he needed a picture of himself for his profile, and he needed it RIGHT THEN. What’s a guy to do? Grab the camera (hey, at least it wasn’t a cell phone camera), run into the bathroom, do not brush hair, do not allow camera to focus, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Take picture in bathroom mirror. While scowling. Done! Upload to website and wait for the honeys to start pouring in!

Any profile picture with a shower curtain in the background is a quintessential FAIL.

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The Weatherman

I enjoyed reading your profile.
how’s your summer going?
What has made you
really enjoyed the summer

so far?

… a few weeks later…


I enjoyed reading your profile.
How was your summer?
are you ready for the colder weather
that’s just around the corner?

Wow, he’s so curious about my summer that he emailed me about it twice.  Say, I heard something about a cold front coming in tomorrow and possibly bringing some rain… I wonder if The Weatherman can tell me more about it?   I bet he predicted the Snowmaggedon we had earlier in the year, too.  Hey, if there’s ever a tornado headed your way, THIS is the guy to know.  He can tell you whether you need to duck for cover and start praying or if you can just sit on your couch and display your middle finger to the tornado sirens.  Weather ESP!  I bet tornado chasers would pay him a hefty sum for his talents.  He could make a killing in the midwest ordering them around so that they don’t hit flying cows and die and whatnot.  So what’s The Weatherman doing here in DC asking me what made me enjoyed the summer?  Go (mid)west, young man!!  And work on conjugating those verbs.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Stalker, WTF

Advance planning

i’m moving to DC in sept.

I really liked your profile
and hope you are interested
in me.
i’m moving to dc with wook
in sept
and would love to meet.

Hold up. September?  He sent me this in July. July! That’s 2 whole months before his move! Do you know what could happen in 2 months? I could meet the love of my life.   I could get transferred to Swaziland.  I could lose all my net worth in a pyramid scheme and get thrown in jail.   I could go lesbo.   I can’t even figure out what I’m going to have for dinner before 6pm, yet this guy wants me to plan a date 2 months in advance?

Wook. I’m not even going to go there today. Oh, and he’s one of those anti-capital letter types. I suppose he’s too busy getting ready for his upcoming move to bother with the Shift key. Everyone is hatin’ on the Shift key these days. Really, what did the Shift key ever do to anyone? It’s like the Napoleon Dynamite of the keyboard – it’s in an awkward place, so often ignored, and wants nothing more than a few tots now and then. Poor Shift key.

And I’m not even going to mention how this guy is too old for me and looks a lot like Dom Delouise. Oops, I just did.

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Filed under Too old, WTF

Me talk friendly one day (maybe)


Let’s have a drink / coffee
and friendly talk!?

Ooh friendly talk! I can do that. I think… Let’s see. We can talk about the fact that Mr. Friendly looks like a dark-haired Carrot Top, minus the rock-hard body. Hmmm, that’s not terribly nice, is it?

Ok, maybe we can talk about the pros and cons of the phrase “friendly talk”. Oh my, I probably won’t do very well with that one…

Well then, I suppose we could always talk about his sea monkey collection. GAH!  Who am I kidding here?  I give up. I guess Mr. Friendly and I can’t have a drink and friendly talk after all. *Sigh*

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