Category Archives: Stalker

The Weatherman

Hi
I enjoyed reading your profile.
So,
how’s your summer going?
What has made you
really enjoyed the summer

so far?

… a few weeks later…

Hi

I enjoyed reading your profile.
How was your summer?
So,
are you ready for the colder weather
that’s just around the corner?

Wow, he’s so curious about my summer that he emailed me about it twice.  Say, I heard something about a cold front coming in tomorrow and possibly bringing some rain… I wonder if The Weatherman can tell me more about it?   I bet he predicted the Snowmaggedon we had earlier in the year, too.  Hey, if there’s ever a tornado headed your way, THIS is the guy to know.  He can tell you whether you need to duck for cover and start praying or if you can just sit on your couch and display your middle finger to the tornado sirens.  Weather ESP!  I bet tornado chasers would pay him a hefty sum for his talents.  He could make a killing in the midwest ordering them around so that they don’t hit flying cows and die and whatnot.  So what’s The Weatherman doing here in DC asking me what made me enjoyed the summer?  Go (mid)west, young man!!  And work on conjugating those verbs.

Leave a comment

Filed under Bad Grammar, Stalker, WTF

The Eager Beaver, Part 4

Hi

What didn’t you like
about my profile?

I can just see his upper lip jutting out and quivering. Stalker, Texas Ranger, please don’t cry. Your tears will not entice me to write you back, much less go out with you. Run along. Shoo.

I’m guessing from this response that he didn’t catch on to the fact that I sent him a canned response conveniently provided by the website. So, time to take another avenue to final rejection: The Block.

“This user has been successfully blocked.”  BOOM! Virtual brick wall in yo’ face!

Stalker, Texas Ranger can stalk me no more. WIN!!1!

1 Comment

Filed under Desperate, Stalker

The Eager Beaver, Part 3

Hi There

You are incredibly sexy.
I am a sweet,
caring,
honest,
and fun guy
here in the DC area.
I just moved
after living in VA Beach
the past four years.
I’d love to know more about you.
Perhaps
you could tell me your name
and how your summer is going?
Anything you may want to know about me,
please ask.
I’m an open and fun guy
who wants to share a lot
with a woman like you.
Write me soon.

Thanks for the 3rd email in a row, Mr. Eager Beaver Stalker, Texas Ranger! Thanks also for the self-proclamation of sweetness and honesty and all that crap. I appreciate it. Shoot, I even believe it. However, you still live in BF Southern Maryland and do not have any Graham Beck in your refrigerator. Red Flag! Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. DO NOT WRITE ME ANYMORE.

Write me soon. A demand. Stalker, Texas Ranger has the balls to demand that I write him back. If I had some fried okra, I’d pelt him with it. Actually… no I wouldn’t. I’d eat it. I love fried okra. Ok, I’ll pelt him with… corn fritters. Don’t get me wrong, corn fritters are good, too. But they don’t hold a candle to fresh fried okra.

Oh, but back to The Demand. You know what? I actually did write him back – sort of. The website gives you some lovely options if you’re not digging the person who wrote you, yet you want to let them down politely (does that mean ignoring someone isn’t polite…?). It goes something like this:

“Not interested? Click below on one of our pre-written canned responses to let this punk/skank-freak know he/she is wasting his/her time:
1. Thank you for your email, but I’ve met someone, and we’re getting married next week.
2. Thank you for your email, but I’ve started seeing someone recently, and my religion only allows me to date one person at a time, and only under parental supervision.

3. Thank you for your email, but I’ve reviewed your profile, and it sucks donkey balls.”


I clicked on option #3, and boom – canned response sent. I brushed off my hands, confident that this would be the last I’d hear from Mr. EB/STR.

I was wrong.

3 Comments

Filed under Desperate, Stalker

The Eager Beaver, Part 2

P.S.

Match.com says
that we are a 99% match.
I dont subscribe to that
but it did bring me
attention to you.

Mr. Eager Beaver was so eager that he had to write me again – mere minutes after hitting “send” on the first email. Lucky me! And he supposedly doesn’t believe in the site’s matching percentage, except when it comes to… me. My lucky day again! I better go buy a lottery ticket while the gettin’s good. Shoot, I might as well head on up to Atlantic City while I’m at it and test all this good luck up there, too. Look out, Jersey Shore! Tell The Situation* to get all gelled up – I’m comin’ to town!

Of course, I didn’t write Mr. EB back after these 2 emails.  That 1% must be because he lives in Timbuktu and doesn’t keep his fridge stashed with everything from 4Loko to prosecco like I do.  And that 1% is plenty of difference for me.  That, and his emails remind me of a puppy BEGGING for attention.  Normally just ignoring these types of emails sends the message.  Not this time.  Plenty more to come, folks…

*Disclaimer: I’ve never actually seen Jersey Shore, nor do I want to.

Leave a comment

Filed under Desperate, Stalker

The Eager Beaver, Part 1

I’m a Good Match for You!!

Hi, I enjoyed reading your profile
and like to think
I’m a good match for you.
I would describe myself as being kind,
loyal, funny,
athletic, and sweet.
I’m very stable in my life
and feel that I have a lot
to offer you.
I’m also taller than you,
so you can wear 3 inch heels
all the time.

What could be better than that?

I’m a guy who loves
the outdoors and traveling.
I’ve been to five countries
and hope to see more
of Europe.
The most interesting place I’ve visited
has been

the Middle East.

What is your name
and what area of engineering
do you work in?
I work for the fed gov’t
in defense systems
and enjoy the national security projects

I get to work on.

I’m not against going to the opera
and will admit to listening
to classical music.
Not long ago,
I bought a house with a huge kitchen
and still trying to learn
to cook.
I’d love for a southern beauty

to show me how.

Well I hope to have intrigued you enough
to write back.
I’d love to explore the outdoors
and have some adventures
with you.
All you have to do
is write back.

Well hey, on the whole, this email isn’t so bad, huh? He uses complete sentences, puts capital letters in appropriate places, and generally appears to not be living in a hole or a time warp. But (yeah, you knew it was coming)… Mr. Eager Beaver is… eager. Yes, I just said “beaver”. He proclaimed in his subject line that he’s a good match for me, so really, why write the rest of the novel? And, hey, I can wear 3″ heels all the time! To the grocery store! To take a shower! To my job on the corner! YAAAY!!

Aw, Mr. Eager Beaver really enjoys the national security projects he gets to work o… *yawn*…. zzzz…

Oopsies, sorry, I must have fallen asleep there! Well, anyway. Moving on to Mr. EB’s profile. There are 2 glaring problems here. First of all, he lives way the hell in BF Southern Maryland. Really, I didn’t know Maryland extended that far south. Crikies. The second problem is that he never drinks. His fridge probably just has milk, Coke, and OJ in it. Now let’s go take a look at my fridge. Ooh, I still have a few of those Polish beers left – sweet! Wow, that’s a lot of Yuengling and Pilsner Urquell in there. Ah, my trusty jar of pickles. Ew, that lettuce needs to get tossed. Oh yes, my 2 bottles of champagne! And 4Loko… how’d I end up with that? Hey, look there, a Miller High Life! Awesome – I have champagne AND the champagne of beers!! Oh wait, where were we? That’s right, Mr. Eager Beaver and his Faraway Fridge of Lameness.

Obviously, we are not meant to be. Unfortunately, he could not be convinced of this (my primary tool to accomplish this is to IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE). There are a few more parts to this story. Stay tuned for the next episode of The Eager Beaver Who Will Not Leave Her (alone).

1 Comment

Filed under Desperate, Stalker

I am not your cutie.

hello again

how are you cutie?
don’t want to reply
my message?
not interested?

Not interested? Take a wild-ass guess. If you don’t get a response to the first email, what makes you think you’ll get a response to the second one? Oh, maybe that’s where “cutie” comes in. “Hey, if I call her something that is normally reserved for 2-year old boys and pet turtles, she’ll totally want me!” Yeah. Then later (after he actually finds out my real name) he can show his commitment to me by calling me names like “honeybunches”, “snook’ems”, “hey you”, and “yo, bitch”.  And if I’m lucky, he’ll be sweet enough to buy me  Shit Bitch Bear!

Awwww.  Anyway, I guess he had written me previously… and obviously, it was so uninspiring that I didn’t even remember to save it.


Leave a comment

Filed under Stalker

Double no.

Hi

You’re pics are great,
you’re tall
and you like to travel.
nice…

would you like to meet?

…and a second email a few weeks later:

hi

I think we have
a lot in common.
Except for the opera,

but I’m willing to learn.

Do you want to meet sometime?

Translation: “I’m desperate, and I need to get laid.”


Not to mention, emailing me twice? No, I did not respond to the first email (really, would you?). Desperation is not sexy. Neither is having grammar skills on par with a 6th grader. I bet my 13 year-old cousin could write a paper better than this guy. Well, at the very least, I bet he knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

Never ask someone out in the first email.  This guarantees no date and no nookie.

Leave a comment

Filed under Desperate, Stalker