Category Archives: Dumber than a 5th grader

Name that wild animal!

hi there.

How on Earth did you end up
next to a tiger?
Must be
a good story there!
What can you share
about singing?
Have a favorite composer?
OK,
that’s enough questions
for now!

When I was 2 years old, my grandmother came to help take care of me while my father had surgery. My father had an older-than-dirt green pickup truck with CHEVROLET spelled in big white letters on the tailgate. I was just learning to read a few words at this ripe old age, so one day when my grandmother and I were walking around the yard (ok, Granny was walking – I was doing that groovy toddler waddle), my grandmother pointed at the truck tailgate and said to me, “My dear, can you spell that?” I promptly started rattling off the letters. “C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T.”

“Wonderful, sweetheart! Now what does that spell?”

“Truck.”

So folks, here’s your lesson for the day:  C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T spells “truck”, and cheetahs look just like tigers.   I mean, I totally thought I was petting a tiger until the cheetah set me straight.

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Are you sure you speak English?

Hi!

Hi, I was wondering
what you are looking for
in a guy.
Do you like in the guy
to be interested
in mild public displays of affection,
like flirty touches,
occasionally holding hands,
and other similar actions.
He’ll be fun,
with a positive outlook on life
and a laid back attitude
and who isn’t shy
about asking me to spend time with him
if he wants to see me.
That me all the way
really like to hear from you
I think you and I would be a great match
you have a very pretty smile
hope to hear from you soon
take care

After reading this email, I was ready to put money on the fact that this guy is not a native English speaker. There is not a single sentence in this email that is written and/or punctuated correctly (helloooo run-on sentence at the end). Not to mention, this guy cuts right to the chase – no “hello, how are you” or “I noticed your profile” or “OMG didn’t we dance together in polka class last week”. Introductions? Bah. Who needs ’em? Not this dude. Hey, maybe it’s a cultural thing. He’s eastern European, perhaps? Maybe German? Germans like to cut to the chase. I respect that.  Yes, I’ll go with German…

Or not. He emailed again – just a few minutes after this email (yes, really only a matter of minutes) and tossed my theory out the window (and across the street and into the neighbor’s backyard kiddie pool. And he hit a plastic pink flamingo on the way. Bastard…).

Hey!

What’s Up just thought I say hi
I hope you liked the email
I sent you.
I think your very pretty
and seem like
a sweet girl.
I think you and I
would be great together.
I not into playing games
want something that I can lead
to something great
and build on together
that could lead
to something wonderful together.
I think you and I are both wanting
the same in a relationship
and trying to find that special person.
I love going places,
going out,
go to concerts,
movies,
love the outdoors
so many things to say.
What about you?
I love to get to know you better
and meet you some time as well
if you wanted to.
Have you ever dated
a southern guy?
I not like those northern guys
I know how to treat a girl.
Why you think southern bells
like us so much.
What your fav kind of flower?
I think that important to know
so I can get the girl
that I am seeing
the right kind of flowers
she likes.
I am a pleaser kind of guy
love doing things for my family,
friends
and th e girl in my life.
I hope you like that.
I was going to see
if you like to talk some time
it be cool
if we could talk on the phone
if you were cool with that
you just love
my sweet southern accent
grew up in the [Southern Virginia] area
“We are Va Tech”
“Go Hokies”
hope to hear from soon take care

Well tie me down and call me Sally. Southern Virginia. Not only is he a US native (I’m having a really hard time grasping that), but he was allowed to graduate from high school! Now the public education system in my home state is certainly nothing to brag about, but I know how to conjugate a verb. I know people that didn’t begin to learn English until they were in college that can write in English better than this punk. As much as I want to go into detail and rip apart every sentence that he’s written, that would take years. And at that point my fingers would be bleeding all over the keyboard, my blood pressure would be at near-cardiac arrest levels, and you’d be, well, bored. I’m a grammar nazi (if you haven’t figured that out by now) – it’s hard for me to let go. But there’s a 12-step program for that, I’m sure. So moving on…

Mr. Education didn’t even read my dadgum profile (this is assuming he can read much at all). Have I ever dated a southern guy? Why, no, I haven’t. I managed to escape my entire upbringing in the deep south without EVER dating a southern guy. Gee, how’d he know?? He may know how to treat a girl, but I like to date guys that speak in complete sentences. I know, I’m a picky b*tch.

I’m going to throw one last grain of salt in this guy’s wound: Wahoowa.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Desperate, Dumber than a 5th grader

OMG Cheetah!

Cheetah

OMG,
where did you
pet the Cheetah?
I love Cheetah’s
and would love to have one
as a pet ;-)
Just kidding
about the pet part,
but how cool
would that be?

Well, it seems Cheetah Man was rather taken by the picture above, which I included in my profile.  I thought it was pretty nifty to be able to pet a wild animal that could rip off an appendage had he merely been in the mood to do so, but I didn’t leave thinking, “Hey, this sucker would make a fabulous pet!  He’s got fur like a Brillo pad and could chow down on every animal on my block.  Now I just have to get him through customs…”

There’s a bigger problem here, though…  Cheetah Man is easily old enough to be my father.  Social security is not too far off for this one.  He may be filling out his AARP membership application in anticipation of the Golden Years, but by golly he’s hip enough to use “OMG” in an email.  And seeing that Cheetah Man isn’t all that far from retirement, maybe he’s thinking of activities to fill his time in his old age.  Perhaps a visit to a 4th grade classroom to learn about the proper use of an apostrophe?

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Dumber than a 5th grader, Too old