Category Archives: Desperate

Couch potato

Hi

nice to meet you
my name is [name]. .
okay a little bit about me
I run a travel agency called [blahblahblah]
so I travel a lot.
I am a big baseball fan
and I’m big movie person
my favorite movies are
back to the future,
Star Wars,
007,
and much more.
I love TV shows like
diggnation,
attack of the show,
totally rad show,
lost,
how I Met your mother,
big bang theory
and so on.
I love to try new things
and love to meet new people
in the process.
Try to work out once a day.
I lost 85 pounds
so working out
is important to me.
I hope this is to peak your interest up
for talking to you in the future
PS: Are you on Yahoo Messenger
My Yahoo Messenger name is [screen name]
or on AIM name is [another screen name]

Help! I’m being attacked by run-on sentences!! They’re going so fast that the capitalization can’t even keep up!! Oh wait… run on sentences don’t actually run. Good thing – I’m a slow runner. *Whew*


Speaking of running and whatnot, I have to give this guy props for losing 85 lbs. That’s tough stuff. Congrats, dear sir. So we both like to stay in reasonable shape – we have something in common! But… only that. I must admit, I have not even heard of half the tv shows he lists. If he’d actually taken the time to read my profile rather than just firing off this un-proofread form email, he’d have seen that I don’t watch movies (I don’t dislike them, I just don’t ever watch them unless I’m trapped in a pressurized metal tube that’s blasting through the skies for an unbearably long period of time), nor do I watch TV. If I ever feel like turning myself into a couch potato, though, I’ll IM this guy.

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The Eager Beaver, Part 4

Hi

What didn’t you like
about my profile?

I can just see his upper lip jutting out and quivering. Stalker, Texas Ranger, please don’t cry. Your tears will not entice me to write you back, much less go out with you. Run along. Shoo.

I’m guessing from this response that he didn’t catch on to the fact that I sent him a canned response conveniently provided by the website. So, time to take another avenue to final rejection: The Block.

“This user has been successfully blocked.”  BOOM! Virtual brick wall in yo’ face!

Stalker, Texas Ranger can stalk me no more. WIN!!1!

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The Eager Beaver, Part 3

Hi There

You are incredibly sexy.
I am a sweet,
caring,
honest,
and fun guy
here in the DC area.
I just moved
after living in VA Beach
the past four years.
I’d love to know more about you.
Perhaps
you could tell me your name
and how your summer is going?
Anything you may want to know about me,
please ask.
I’m an open and fun guy
who wants to share a lot
with a woman like you.
Write me soon.

Thanks for the 3rd email in a row, Mr. Eager Beaver Stalker, Texas Ranger! Thanks also for the self-proclamation of sweetness and honesty and all that crap. I appreciate it. Shoot, I even believe it. However, you still live in BF Southern Maryland and do not have any Graham Beck in your refrigerator. Red Flag! Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. DO NOT WRITE ME ANYMORE.

Write me soon. A demand. Stalker, Texas Ranger has the balls to demand that I write him back. If I had some fried okra, I’d pelt him with it. Actually… no I wouldn’t. I’d eat it. I love fried okra. Ok, I’ll pelt him with… corn fritters. Don’t get me wrong, corn fritters are good, too. But they don’t hold a candle to fresh fried okra.

Oh, but back to The Demand. You know what? I actually did write him back – sort of. The website gives you some lovely options if you’re not digging the person who wrote you, yet you want to let them down politely (does that mean ignoring someone isn’t polite…?). It goes something like this:

“Not interested? Click below on one of our pre-written canned responses to let this punk/skank-freak know he/she is wasting his/her time:
1. Thank you for your email, but I’ve met someone, and we’re getting married next week.
2. Thank you for your email, but I’ve started seeing someone recently, and my religion only allows me to date one person at a time, and only under parental supervision.

3. Thank you for your email, but I’ve reviewed your profile, and it sucks donkey balls.”


I clicked on option #3, and boom – canned response sent. I brushed off my hands, confident that this would be the last I’d hear from Mr. EB/STR.

I was wrong.

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Filed under Desperate, Stalker

The Eager Beaver, Part 2

P.S.

Match.com says
that we are a 99% match.
I dont subscribe to that
but it did bring me
attention to you.

Mr. Eager Beaver was so eager that he had to write me again – mere minutes after hitting “send” on the first email. Lucky me! And he supposedly doesn’t believe in the site’s matching percentage, except when it comes to… me. My lucky day again! I better go buy a lottery ticket while the gettin’s good. Shoot, I might as well head on up to Atlantic City while I’m at it and test all this good luck up there, too. Look out, Jersey Shore! Tell The Situation* to get all gelled up – I’m comin’ to town!

Of course, I didn’t write Mr. EB back after these 2 emails.  That 1% must be because he lives in Timbuktu and doesn’t keep his fridge stashed with everything from 4Loko to prosecco like I do.  And that 1% is plenty of difference for me.  That, and his emails remind me of a puppy BEGGING for attention.  Normally just ignoring these types of emails sends the message.  Not this time.  Plenty more to come, folks…

*Disclaimer: I’ve never actually seen Jersey Shore, nor do I want to.

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Filed under Desperate, Stalker

The Eager Beaver, Part 1

I’m a Good Match for You!!

Hi, I enjoyed reading your profile
and like to think
I’m a good match for you.
I would describe myself as being kind,
loyal, funny,
athletic, and sweet.
I’m very stable in my life
and feel that I have a lot
to offer you.
I’m also taller than you,
so you can wear 3 inch heels
all the time.

What could be better than that?

I’m a guy who loves
the outdoors and traveling.
I’ve been to five countries
and hope to see more
of Europe.
The most interesting place I’ve visited
has been

the Middle East.

What is your name
and what area of engineering
do you work in?
I work for the fed gov’t
in defense systems
and enjoy the national security projects

I get to work on.

I’m not against going to the opera
and will admit to listening
to classical music.
Not long ago,
I bought a house with a huge kitchen
and still trying to learn
to cook.
I’d love for a southern beauty

to show me how.

Well I hope to have intrigued you enough
to write back.
I’d love to explore the outdoors
and have some adventures
with you.
All you have to do
is write back.

Well hey, on the whole, this email isn’t so bad, huh? He uses complete sentences, puts capital letters in appropriate places, and generally appears to not be living in a hole or a time warp. But (yeah, you knew it was coming)… Mr. Eager Beaver is… eager. Yes, I just said “beaver”. He proclaimed in his subject line that he’s a good match for me, so really, why write the rest of the novel? And, hey, I can wear 3″ heels all the time! To the grocery store! To take a shower! To my job on the corner! YAAAY!!

Aw, Mr. Eager Beaver really enjoys the national security projects he gets to work o… *yawn*…. zzzz…

Oopsies, sorry, I must have fallen asleep there! Well, anyway. Moving on to Mr. EB’s profile. There are 2 glaring problems here. First of all, he lives way the hell in BF Southern Maryland. Really, I didn’t know Maryland extended that far south. Crikies. The second problem is that he never drinks. His fridge probably just has milk, Coke, and OJ in it. Now let’s go take a look at my fridge. Ooh, I still have a few of those Polish beers left – sweet! Wow, that’s a lot of Yuengling and Pilsner Urquell in there. Ah, my trusty jar of pickles. Ew, that lettuce needs to get tossed. Oh yes, my 2 bottles of champagne! And 4Loko… how’d I end up with that? Hey, look there, a Miller High Life! Awesome – I have champagne AND the champagne of beers!! Oh wait, where were we? That’s right, Mr. Eager Beaver and his Faraway Fridge of Lameness.

Obviously, we are not meant to be. Unfortunately, he could not be convinced of this (my primary tool to accomplish this is to IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE). There are a few more parts to this story. Stay tuned for the next episode of The Eager Beaver Who Will Not Leave Her (alone).

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Filed under Desperate, Stalker

Are you sure you speak English?

Hi!

Hi, I was wondering
what you are looking for
in a guy.
Do you like in the guy
to be interested
in mild public displays of affection,
like flirty touches,
occasionally holding hands,
and other similar actions.
He’ll be fun,
with a positive outlook on life
and a laid back attitude
and who isn’t shy
about asking me to spend time with him
if he wants to see me.
That me all the way
really like to hear from you
I think you and I would be a great match
you have a very pretty smile
hope to hear from you soon
take care

After reading this email, I was ready to put money on the fact that this guy is not a native English speaker. There is not a single sentence in this email that is written and/or punctuated correctly (helloooo run-on sentence at the end). Not to mention, this guy cuts right to the chase – no “hello, how are you” or “I noticed your profile” or “OMG didn’t we dance together in polka class last week”. Introductions? Bah. Who needs ’em? Not this dude. Hey, maybe it’s a cultural thing. He’s eastern European, perhaps? Maybe German? Germans like to cut to the chase. I respect that.  Yes, I’ll go with German…

Or not. He emailed again – just a few minutes after this email (yes, really only a matter of minutes) and tossed my theory out the window (and across the street and into the neighbor’s backyard kiddie pool. And he hit a plastic pink flamingo on the way. Bastard…).

Hey!

What’s Up just thought I say hi
I hope you liked the email
I sent you.
I think your very pretty
and seem like
a sweet girl.
I think you and I
would be great together.
I not into playing games
want something that I can lead
to something great
and build on together
that could lead
to something wonderful together.
I think you and I are both wanting
the same in a relationship
and trying to find that special person.
I love going places,
going out,
go to concerts,
movies,
love the outdoors
so many things to say.
What about you?
I love to get to know you better
and meet you some time as well
if you wanted to.
Have you ever dated
a southern guy?
I not like those northern guys
I know how to treat a girl.
Why you think southern bells
like us so much.
What your fav kind of flower?
I think that important to know
so I can get the girl
that I am seeing
the right kind of flowers
she likes.
I am a pleaser kind of guy
love doing things for my family,
friends
and th e girl in my life.
I hope you like that.
I was going to see
if you like to talk some time
it be cool
if we could talk on the phone
if you were cool with that
you just love
my sweet southern accent
grew up in the [Southern Virginia] area
“We are Va Tech”
“Go Hokies”
hope to hear from soon take care

Well tie me down and call me Sally. Southern Virginia. Not only is he a US native (I’m having a really hard time grasping that), but he was allowed to graduate from high school! Now the public education system in my home state is certainly nothing to brag about, but I know how to conjugate a verb. I know people that didn’t begin to learn English until they were in college that can write in English better than this punk. As much as I want to go into detail and rip apart every sentence that he’s written, that would take years. And at that point my fingers would be bleeding all over the keyboard, my blood pressure would be at near-cardiac arrest levels, and you’d be, well, bored. I’m a grammar nazi (if you haven’t figured that out by now) – it’s hard for me to let go. But there’s a 12-step program for that, I’m sure. So moving on…

Mr. Education didn’t even read my dadgum profile (this is assuming he can read much at all). Have I ever dated a southern guy? Why, no, I haven’t. I managed to escape my entire upbringing in the deep south without EVER dating a southern guy. Gee, how’d he know?? He may know how to treat a girl, but I like to date guys that speak in complete sentences. I know, I’m a picky b*tch.

I’m going to throw one last grain of salt in this guy’s wound: Wahoowa.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Desperate, Dumber than a 5th grader

Welcome home!

Back-to-School

Hey, I’m back in town!
I visited an old friend
from school in Chicago
and we had a blast
talking about the people
we knew
and the ones
we went out with.
Don’t worry
you can count with one hand
the number of people
I dated in school!
So how many people
have you dated?

Hey, welcome back! I had no idea you were gone! I mean, we’re tight and all, right? Come on, have a little respect for the complete strangers that you send emails to. Not to mention, some of us could probably help you out. Need someone to look after your pet warthog? Just let me know. Send me your address and leave me some spare keys. I’ll make sure Wally the Warthog doesn’t starve, and I’ll be nice enough to drink all your beer while I’m at it. You’re welcome.

How many people have I dated? Well, that depends on your definition of “date”. Would you count the years in college that I spent as an escort as “dating”? In that case, I “dated” about 175 men in school. And I must admit, I just can’t look at kielbasa the same way anymore. You’re cool with my past life as an escort, right? I mean, a girl’s got to pay for school somehow. Getting a basket-weaving degree from a good school costs a pretty penny. I would have just gotten a job at the local strip joint, but I’m a classy chick, not some pole-hugging skank. So… you’ve dated, what, 3 people? Well isn’t that cute. Thanks for putting that out there in the very first email. You saved me a lot of trouble, and I appreciate that. Good luck on finding that lucky #4.

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Filed under Desperate, WTF