Category Archives: Bad Grammar

The 5th Black Eyed Pea

:)

Sooo
Yes… I am younger…
But.
That doesnt mean
you shouldnt give me a chance.
I am interested in someone
a lil older than me
(not a cougar haha)
Because I want a serious relationship
or something
that could build up to one.
WOmen in this area that are my age
like partying a lil too much
for me.
I enjoy a night out,
but not at a club.
More of a nice dinner,
a couple drinks…
good convorsation.
If you really do want someone
who is a lil old fashonsed…
I might be the guy
for you.
I am from a small farming type community in Illinois,
and I was raised to treat women
a certian way…
but only if they deserve
to be treated well…
If you want to be treated
like a classy lady,
then you have to act like one.
And if you that kind of girl…
I will do just about anything
to satisfy you
on EVERY level :)
Plus I am sincere,
genuinely NICE,
and might be able to make you laugh.

I hate to break it to this guy, but “Lil’ Lil'” is a Black Eyed Peas song. “Lil” is not a word. And I’m assuming his spell check was on hiatus given the convorsation and the fashonsed and whatnot. I hope he doesn’t like to play Scrabble… that would not end well.

Then he has to go and lecture me on being classy. Dude, I am classy with a capital K. So, that’s great that you want to satisfy me on every level and all, but shall we address that at a later time, say, sometime AFTER the initial email? That’d be great, thanks. My klassy ass would appreciate it.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

The Weatherman

Hi
I enjoyed reading your profile.
So,
how’s your summer going?
What has made you
really enjoyed the summer

so far?

… a few weeks later…

Hi

I enjoyed reading your profile.
How was your summer?
So,
are you ready for the colder weather
that’s just around the corner?

Wow, he’s so curious about my summer that he emailed me about it twice.  Say, I heard something about a cold front coming in tomorrow and possibly bringing some rain… I wonder if The Weatherman can tell me more about it?   I bet he predicted the Snowmaggedon we had earlier in the year, too.  Hey, if there’s ever a tornado headed your way, THIS is the guy to know.  He can tell you whether you need to duck for cover and start praying or if you can just sit on your couch and display your middle finger to the tornado sirens.  Weather ESP!  I bet tornado chasers would pay him a hefty sum for his talents.  He could make a killing in the midwest ordering them around so that they don’t hit flying cows and die and whatnot.  So what’s The Weatherman doing here in DC asking me what made me enjoyed the summer?  Go (mid)west, young man!!  And work on conjugating those verbs.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Stalker, WTF

George!

[none]

hey how are you im [name],
and you should know
that you can stop looking
now that you have found me…..
lol
well i hope
i made you smile……
but i would like to know more
about you………

Well, that’s it, folks. This will be my last blog post. I’ve found THE ONE. He said so himself, so it must be true. Forget the fact that he’s barely old enough to drink and has an aversion to capitalization and apostrophes. This is true love!! I can teach him how to write, properly mix a Manhattan, and love him and pet him and call him George.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to register myself on The Knot now.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Are you sure you speak English?

Hi!

Hi, I was wondering
what you are looking for
in a guy.
Do you like in the guy
to be interested
in mild public displays of affection,
like flirty touches,
occasionally holding hands,
and other similar actions.
He’ll be fun,
with a positive outlook on life
and a laid back attitude
and who isn’t shy
about asking me to spend time with him
if he wants to see me.
That me all the way
really like to hear from you
I think you and I would be a great match
you have a very pretty smile
hope to hear from you soon
take care

After reading this email, I was ready to put money on the fact that this guy is not a native English speaker. There is not a single sentence in this email that is written and/or punctuated correctly (helloooo run-on sentence at the end). Not to mention, this guy cuts right to the chase – no “hello, how are you” or “I noticed your profile” or “OMG didn’t we dance together in polka class last week”. Introductions? Bah. Who needs ’em? Not this dude. Hey, maybe it’s a cultural thing. He’s eastern European, perhaps? Maybe German? Germans like to cut to the chase. I respect that.  Yes, I’ll go with German…

Or not. He emailed again – just a few minutes after this email (yes, really only a matter of minutes) and tossed my theory out the window (and across the street and into the neighbor’s backyard kiddie pool. And he hit a plastic pink flamingo on the way. Bastard…).

Hey!

What’s Up just thought I say hi
I hope you liked the email
I sent you.
I think your very pretty
and seem like
a sweet girl.
I think you and I
would be great together.
I not into playing games
want something that I can lead
to something great
and build on together
that could lead
to something wonderful together.
I think you and I are both wanting
the same in a relationship
and trying to find that special person.
I love going places,
going out,
go to concerts,
movies,
love the outdoors
so many things to say.
What about you?
I love to get to know you better
and meet you some time as well
if you wanted to.
Have you ever dated
a southern guy?
I not like those northern guys
I know how to treat a girl.
Why you think southern bells
like us so much.
What your fav kind of flower?
I think that important to know
so I can get the girl
that I am seeing
the right kind of flowers
she likes.
I am a pleaser kind of guy
love doing things for my family,
friends
and th e girl in my life.
I hope you like that.
I was going to see
if you like to talk some time
it be cool
if we could talk on the phone
if you were cool with that
you just love
my sweet southern accent
grew up in the [Southern Virginia] area
“We are Va Tech”
“Go Hokies”
hope to hear from soon take care

Well tie me down and call me Sally. Southern Virginia. Not only is he a US native (I’m having a really hard time grasping that), but he was allowed to graduate from high school! Now the public education system in my home state is certainly nothing to brag about, but I know how to conjugate a verb. I know people that didn’t begin to learn English until they were in college that can write in English better than this punk. As much as I want to go into detail and rip apart every sentence that he’s written, that would take years. And at that point my fingers would be bleeding all over the keyboard, my blood pressure would be at near-cardiac arrest levels, and you’d be, well, bored. I’m a grammar nazi (if you haven’t figured that out by now) – it’s hard for me to let go. But there’s a 12-step program for that, I’m sure. So moving on…

Mr. Education didn’t even read my dadgum profile (this is assuming he can read much at all). Have I ever dated a southern guy? Why, no, I haven’t. I managed to escape my entire upbringing in the deep south without EVER dating a southern guy. Gee, how’d he know?? He may know how to treat a girl, but I like to date guys that speak in complete sentences. I know, I’m a picky b*tch.

I’m going to throw one last grain of salt in this guy’s wound: Wahoowa.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Desperate, Dumber than a 5th grader

Battle of the Bushisms!

opera nerd…

Courtesy of allposters.com

Hello [my screen name],
I saw ya’ll
just for the hell of it
all the time.
I didn’t got up with that word
but I just like to see
peoples reaction to me

when I do say it.

Sounds like we both may share
out mid-life crisis’.
I too am an engineer
but wouldn’t mind
doing something else
after doing this for the last 14 years.
Which bring me to traveling.
I also love travel
and have been here and there…
live in Germany for 2 years,
traveled around Europe.
For work I’ve been to Dubai
and just got back
from another trip to Amsterdam
with 1 week in Madrid and Barcelona

to boot.

I’ve also killed bamboo.
Please don’t look negativity

on me.

What am I looking for?
Tall wouldn’t hurt.
I’ve 6’2”
and like tall ladies.
I actually use it as a way
to strike up conversations.
I think too many guys

are scared of tall chicks.

I totally value experiences
over things.
That was put wonderfully!
I’m comfortable enough
to get into
some pretty crazy Halloween costumes!
I can cook
and I actually have
a rather large house plant/tree
I’ve managed to keep alive

for years!!!

Where did you visit that volcano?

Hope to hear from you soon

There is so much potential here. The guy is in my age range. He doesn’t look like an alien. He’s upbeat. He’s tall. He travels. He wrote a lovely, normal email. Except for the Bushisms. Looks like someone OD-d on Dubya speeches and news clips back in the day. Really, this guy is giving Dubya a run for his money. There’s only one way to settle this – a Battle of the Bushisms!!

Welcome, everyone, to the 2010 Battle of the Bushisms! Today’s competitors will compete in 4 categories: Best Misstatement, Best Improper Grammar Usage, Best Improper Word Usage, and Best WTF Statement. You decide the winner of each category, and the competitor with the most category wins will be crowned as Grand Bushism Poobah of 2010. And now, here are our entries:

Best Misstatement
Dubya: “Too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”

Dubya Wannabe: “I saw ya’ll just for the hell of it all the time.”

Best Improper Grammar Usage
Dubya: “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

Dubya Wannabe: “I didn’t got up with that word…”

Best Improper Word Usage
Dubya: “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

Dubya Wannabe: “Please don’t look negativity on me.”

Best WTF Statement
Dubya: “I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.”

Dubya Wannabe: ” I’ve 6’2″ and like tall ladies.”

So it’s up to all of you now – who is our Grand Bushism Poobah?


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Filed under Bad Grammar

Ladies love Linus. Or not.

Hey

whats going on?
why did u
join match?
i like
yr profile.
what do u do
for fun?
chat with u
soon

Oh, if only I could post this guy’s profile picture…  First of all, he’s cross-eyed.  And he looks a whole lot like Linus from Peanuts, minus the blanket. Hot.

Hey look, the Grammar Bandwagon is coming! I’m jumping on.

Ok, now we’re rolling. Well, then. I can only assume this is one busy and important dude, because he’s apparently much too busy to be bothered with silly things like capitalizing the first word in his sentences and spelling out super-long words like “your” and “you”. I supposed I should be flattered that he bothered with any punctuation at all. I got question marks – woot!! I’m flattered. I’m blushing. Really, I am.

And now, on to deeper subjects, such as “why did u join match”. Although I ponder this question a good bit myself, the answer is simple: because I like milking goats. “What kind of a stupid answer is that?” you ask? Well, a stupid question will get you a stupid answer. Stupid is as stupid does. Thank you, Forrest Gump.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Ya’ll want to go out?

Hey y’all

I like Vivaldi and Berlioz
the latter mostly because
I’m pretty sure
he was on opium
when he wrote the Symphone Fantastique.
Then again,
most amazing pieces of music
are generally the product

of drug addiction…

Also, if you go to Japan
at some point
I’d like to stowaway

in your luggage

kthxbai!

Photo courtesy of http://www.zazzle.com

Well, even I have to admit that this is really a pretty entertaining email. This guy gets bonus points for the icanhascheezburger reference. And he obviously has some interest in classical music, which always hits my hot button. But…

Ya’ll? Last time I checked, there was only one of me. My name is not Dolly, nor am I a sheep. So saying “Hey ya’ll” is like saying “Hey you” multiple times. The only time I use “Hey you” is when some crap-monger driver cuts in front of me on the road. Ok, my “Hey you” is usually followed by “douchetard, *%#$ you!” or something like that. But I digress. The point is that “Hey you” can only be considered a proper salutation if it’s followed by a string of insults and 4-letter words. “Hey you, wanna grab a drink, and can I hide in your suitcase?” isn’t going to put you in anyone’s good graces. Neither is assuming that the person is… people.

That’s it, ya’ll.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF