I had a brain fart one day and decided to join an online dating service in search of “someone special”. Six months and $120 later, all I had to show for it was hundreds of emails from men in cyberspace trying to contact, woo, and/or stalk me. Some of the emails I received were actually quite lovely and well-written. Some emails were clearly “form” emails. Some showcased the grammar and writing skills of a 7-year old. And then there were the emails that took “train-wreck” to epic levels.
Now, I don’t want anyone going off thinking I’m a completely virtuous person to date (or to attempt to date). I personally think I suck at dating – I do things I shouldn’t, and don’t do things that I should. I’m a chicken, I get scared and/or lazy, I’m probably just plain messed up… and there’s a myriad of other excuses that I could come up with. Bottom line, I need to admit that I’m just plain bad at it. So there, I admitted it – I think…
Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I figure I have to suck up my pride some more and put the profile itself on here since so many of the emails made reference to pictures or things I wrote about in my profile. Excuse me for a moment – I need to get some good stiff liquor to be able to swallow this…
Ok, that helped. Maybe. Well, anyway, here goes. This is my profile…:Headline: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Least of all me. Location: Washington, District of Columbia, United States Seeking Men: 27-38, within 15 miles of Washington, District of Columbia, United States Relationships: Never married Have kids: No Want kids: Someday Ethnicity: White/caucasian Body type: About average Height: 5’10” Smoke: No way Drink: Social drinker
About me and what I’m looking for: I’ve never been good at writing introductions. There’s no grade involved here, so I think I’ll just skip that part (apologies to my high school English teachers)… I was born and raised in the Deep South, but decided to get out and explore a bit. I even left my southern accent behind. The occasional “ya’ll” and “dadgum it” does slip out, though. I love going back to visit family and friends, but I’m happy to call DC home now.
I work as an engineer, but I don’t see myself doing it for the rest of my life. I’ve got plenty of time to have my mid-life crisis and change things up. For now, it allows me pursue all the things I love to do but don’t pay – traveling, singing, and doing pretty much anything outside. I’m a big travel buff, and I’m game to go pretty much anywhere I haven’t been. I’ve been all over North America and Europe, been to southern Africa, and South Korea is next on the list (woohoo, new continent!). Singing is by far my most involved hobby – I call it my second career. I’m a classically trained singer, and I sing with local choirs and opera companies and do the occasional opera festival. And no, I will not be auditioning for American Idol! Aside from all that, I try to spend as much time as I can out of doors. I love to bike, play volleyball, run, hike, kayak, camp, you name it.
Now for more random things. I’m a coffee snob. I love to read, but I mostly read nonfiction (and Budget Travel magazine – love it). I like to cook, but I don’t end up doing it very much. A friend gave me a grill a couple of years ago, and I’ve never used it. I also rarely watch TV or even movies – not that I don’t like them, I just don’t take the time to watch either of them on my own! I can’t keep houseplants alive. I’m embarrassed to tell people how many stalks of bamboo I’ve killed. I like bright colors. I think beige should have its status as a color revoked. I love live music and will go to anything from grand opera to Flogging Molly. The mango is the best fruit ever.
What am I looking for? That’s not easy to write about, either! I’m looking for someone who also loves the outdoors and traveling, and at the very least doesn’t mind classical music since I’m an opera nerd. The kind of guy I’d like to get to know is close and loyal to family and friends, occasionally spontaneous, outgoing, athletic, tall (I’m 5’10” and I do wear heels!), values experiences over “things”, and is comfortable enough with himself to go all out on a whacked-out costume for Halloween or a theme party. Being able to cook a good steak and teach me how not to kill all my houseplants doesn’t hurt, either. Conclusions aren’t really my forte, either. Actually, that applies to writing in general. So if you think we’d make a good match, let me know! I’ll end it with that!
About me: Hair: Light brown Eyes: Blue Exercise habits: 3-4 times per week Education: Graduate degree Occupation: Technical / Science / Computers / Engineering Income: No answer Languages: English Politics: Middle of the road Sign: I don’t believe in astrology Pets I have: No answer Pets I like: Cats, dogs, horses
About my date: Hair: No answer Eyes: No answer Height: 6’0″ – 8’0″ Body type: About average, athletic and toned, or slender Languages: English Ethnicity: White/caucasian Education: Bachelors degree, graduate degree, PhD/post doctoral Job: No answer Income: No answer Smoke: No way Drink: Social drinker, regularly, or moderately Relationships: Never married Have kids: No Want kids: Definitely, someday, or not sure
After 6 months of having this out for scrutiny on the internet, I took it down and cancelled my membership. I heard from and met a lot of men, made a lot of bad and/or questionable decisions, got incredibly frustrated, and… for some reason I saved every single email I received along the way. What to do with all these emails? Well, why not take the worst of the worst and the best of the best, and turn them into free verse poetry? So there you have it. Of course, I only post emails from men that I never actually went out with. I know some things on here may seem downright mean, but really, I’m not THAT awful of a person. That’s what my mother tells me, at least. So I hope you’re somewhat amused, and here’s to hoping I never run into any of these men in public!