Monthly Archives: March 2010

Me talk friendly one day (maybe)

Hi

Let’s have a drink / coffee
and friendly talk!?

Ooh friendly talk! I can do that. I think… Let’s see. We can talk about the fact that Mr. Friendly looks like a dark-haired Carrot Top, minus the rock-hard body. Hmmm, that’s not terribly nice, is it?

Ok, maybe we can talk about the pros and cons of the phrase “friendly talk”. Oh my, I probably won’t do very well with that one…

Well then, I suppose we could always talk about his sea monkey collection. GAH!  Who am I kidding here?  I give up. I guess Mr. Friendly and I can’t have a drink and friendly talk after all. *Sigh*


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Filed under WTF

George!

[none]

hey how are you im [name],
and you should know
that you can stop looking
now that you have found me…..
lol
well i hope
i made you smile……
but i would like to know more
about you………

Well, that’s it, folks. This will be my last blog post. I’ve found THE ONE. He said so himself, so it must be true. Forget the fact that he’s barely old enough to drink and has an aversion to capitalization and apostrophes. This is true love!! I can teach him how to write, properly mix a Manhattan, and love him and pet him and call him George.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to register myself on The Knot now.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Are you sure you speak English?

Hi!

Hi, I was wondering
what you are looking for
in a guy.
Do you like in the guy
to be interested
in mild public displays of affection,
like flirty touches,
occasionally holding hands,
and other similar actions.
He’ll be fun,
with a positive outlook on life
and a laid back attitude
and who isn’t shy
about asking me to spend time with him
if he wants to see me.
That me all the way
really like to hear from you
I think you and I would be a great match
you have a very pretty smile
hope to hear from you soon
take care

After reading this email, I was ready to put money on the fact that this guy is not a native English speaker. There is not a single sentence in this email that is written and/or punctuated correctly (helloooo run-on sentence at the end). Not to mention, this guy cuts right to the chase – no “hello, how are you” or “I noticed your profile” or “OMG didn’t we dance together in polka class last week”. Introductions? Bah. Who needs ’em? Not this dude. Hey, maybe it’s a cultural thing. He’s eastern European, perhaps? Maybe German? Germans like to cut to the chase. I respect that.  Yes, I’ll go with German…

Or not. He emailed again – just a few minutes after this email (yes, really only a matter of minutes) and tossed my theory out the window (and across the street and into the neighbor’s backyard kiddie pool. And he hit a plastic pink flamingo on the way. Bastard…).

Hey!

What’s Up just thought I say hi
I hope you liked the email
I sent you.
I think your very pretty
and seem like
a sweet girl.
I think you and I
would be great together.
I not into playing games
want something that I can lead
to something great
and build on together
that could lead
to something wonderful together.
I think you and I are both wanting
the same in a relationship
and trying to find that special person.
I love going places,
going out,
go to concerts,
movies,
love the outdoors
so many things to say.
What about you?
I love to get to know you better
and meet you some time as well
if you wanted to.
Have you ever dated
a southern guy?
I not like those northern guys
I know how to treat a girl.
Why you think southern bells
like us so much.
What your fav kind of flower?
I think that important to know
so I can get the girl
that I am seeing
the right kind of flowers
she likes.
I am a pleaser kind of guy
love doing things for my family,
friends
and th e girl in my life.
I hope you like that.
I was going to see
if you like to talk some time
it be cool
if we could talk on the phone
if you were cool with that
you just love
my sweet southern accent
grew up in the [Southern Virginia] area
“We are Va Tech”
“Go Hokies”
hope to hear from soon take care

Well tie me down and call me Sally. Southern Virginia. Not only is he a US native (I’m having a really hard time grasping that), but he was allowed to graduate from high school! Now the public education system in my home state is certainly nothing to brag about, but I know how to conjugate a verb. I know people that didn’t begin to learn English until they were in college that can write in English better than this punk. As much as I want to go into detail and rip apart every sentence that he’s written, that would take years. And at that point my fingers would be bleeding all over the keyboard, my blood pressure would be at near-cardiac arrest levels, and you’d be, well, bored. I’m a grammar nazi (if you haven’t figured that out by now) – it’s hard for me to let go. But there’s a 12-step program for that, I’m sure. So moving on…

Mr. Education didn’t even read my dadgum profile (this is assuming he can read much at all). Have I ever dated a southern guy? Why, no, I haven’t. I managed to escape my entire upbringing in the deep south without EVER dating a southern guy. Gee, how’d he know?? He may know how to treat a girl, but I like to date guys that speak in complete sentences. I know, I’m a picky b*tch.

I’m going to throw one last grain of salt in this guy’s wound: Wahoowa.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Desperate, Dumber than a 5th grader

Bringing sexy back – with socks

Guess what?!

I got new socks!
How is the week going
for you?
How long have you lived
in the DC area?
Hope u have
a great week.

OMG you got new socks!? Me too! Wow, great minds think alike. Did you get the Adidas ankle socks on sale at TJMaxx, too? Holy shiznit, we are SOUL MATES.

Socks really can be a dealbreaker, you know. What if he wears white socks with dress slacks and shoes? No way. What if he wears the half-calf slouchy athletic socks when he plays basketball or goes curling? Oh, no sir. But low cut Thorlo running socks in gray or black? Oooh… come to mama.

You know what? I want to stop a complete stranger on my way to work tomorrow and exclaim to him/her, “Guess what, I got new socks!” Now that’s a way to start a great week. Thanks for the idea, SockMaster.

Oh, and I’m not even going to start this time on the use of “u”… I’ve ranted about that enough recently.

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The liar next door

[no title]

Hi there!
My name is [name]
and I finally decided
to take the plunge
and subscribe tonight.
I had been viewing
some of the profiles
and came across yours
(what part of the deep sout
are you from).
I know I’m just a year older
that what you wanted
but I figured
I would give it a try.
I would love to chat with you
so take a look
at my profile
and let me know

what you think!

I hope to hear from you!

… a few days later…

[no title]

Hi there!

I discovered that my profile
was hidden
and took care of it
and wanted to let you know.
A little more about me,
I just moved here
literally a week ago
into the [name] neighborhood of Alexandria
and really like the area.

Talk to you soon!

p.s. my email is [email address]

I check it often

I know what you’re thinking – “Hey, this guy doesn’t sound like a psycho freakmonger.  These could be in the Good Emails group! What, are you a nutjob or something?” First of all, yes. And that’s Miss Nutjob to you. Second of all, just wait…

[no title]

the boy next door lies..
[Name] has a girlfriend
we have been dating
for 14 months…
if you have questions
my email is [email address]

Oh, snap! Helloooo, player! You know what? This guy needs a montage. Every player needs a montage, right? Right. Here it is. Go shut your door and and sing this out loud:

“A sol… A sol… A soldier I will be!
Two pis… two pis… 2 pistols on my knee.
For count… for count… for country and for queen,

A sol-, a sol-, a sol-, a sol-, a soldier I will be!”

What do you think? Is it fitting?

I can’t end it there, though. There’s actually even more to this story. A couple of days after receiving the email from his GIRLFRIEND, I decided to check out his profile again for any signs that might have clued me in to his douchebaggery. But… what’s this? His girlfriend had hijacked his account and made the profile her own. Brilliant! I hope that her moment of brilliance also included kicking his ass to the curb.


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Welcome home!

Back-to-School

Hey, I’m back in town!
I visited an old friend
from school in Chicago
and we had a blast
talking about the people
we knew
and the ones
we went out with.
Don’t worry
you can count with one hand
the number of people
I dated in school!
So how many people
have you dated?

Hey, welcome back! I had no idea you were gone! I mean, we’re tight and all, right? Come on, have a little respect for the complete strangers that you send emails to. Not to mention, some of us could probably help you out. Need someone to look after your pet warthog? Just let me know. Send me your address and leave me some spare keys. I’ll make sure Wally the Warthog doesn’t starve, and I’ll be nice enough to drink all your beer while I’m at it. You’re welcome.

How many people have I dated? Well, that depends on your definition of “date”. Would you count the years in college that I spent as an escort as “dating”? In that case, I “dated” about 175 men in school. And I must admit, I just can’t look at kielbasa the same way anymore. You’re cool with my past life as an escort, right? I mean, a girl’s got to pay for school somehow. Getting a basket-weaving degree from a good school costs a pretty penny. I would have just gotten a job at the local strip joint, but I’m a classy chick, not some pole-hugging skank. So… you’ve dated, what, 3 people? Well isn’t that cute. Thanks for putting that out there in the very first email. You saved me a lot of trouble, and I appreciate that. Good luck on finding that lucky #4.

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Filed under Desperate, WTF

Good email of the month

In order to keep from appearing to be the world’s most heinous bitch by posting all these, um, “entertaining” emails and mercilessly mocking the strangers that sent them to me, I’m going to start putting up an email each month that I actually appreciated and enjoyed.  Now just because the emails put a smile on my face doesn’t mean that I was actually interested in the people that sent them, but with all the other nut jobs out there, it’s nice to know that some people can write in complete sentences, ask interesting questions that aren’t too personal, compliment the other person in socially acceptable ways, and take the time to address the actual person rather than just spitting out a form email to 50 people at once.  Hallelujah, they do exist!

So here you go – the Good Email for March 2010:

I love mangos too :)

Hi, I really liked your profile
and felt that we have
many interests in common
so here I am
writing you.
I guess
it should be no surprise
that you’re from the south
since I find people there
so much more “real”
than their northern counterparts.
You evoke a lot of warmth
and sincerity
from your writing –
who knew that engineers
could be attractive
AND have such a great personality? :)
We also share
many interests,
and Asia tops my list
of future travel destinations.
I’d love the opportunity
to learn more about you
and hope you have a great week!

Fellow Mango Lover, you have earned a golf clap.

Next post:  back to our regularly-scheduled mockery.


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Filed under Good Email of the Month