Monthly Archives: February 2010

It’s been so long!

Heya

Hello miss,
You sound like
a really cool person.
What are you up to
these days?
How has life
been treating you?
Excited about
the fall season?
I’d love to chat some time.
Let me know
whats comfortable for you.
Hope you’re doing well.
Have a great evening.

Well, we must be long lost best friends! OMG, how have you been in the past… um… life? Yes, I must fill you in on what I’ve been up to the past… 30 years. We have SO much catching up to do!

And no, I’m not excited about the fall season. Who cares about the leaves changing color, gorgeous weather, and football when there are freezing temperatures and multiple paralyzing snowstorms to be had? Please. Screw fall.

By the way, I’m most comfortable just ignoring you.  Hope that’s cool.  Kthxbai.

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Battle of the Bushisms!

opera nerd…

Courtesy of allposters.com

Hello [my screen name],
I saw ya’ll
just for the hell of it
all the time.
I didn’t got up with that word
but I just like to see
peoples reaction to me

when I do say it.

Sounds like we both may share
out mid-life crisis’.
I too am an engineer
but wouldn’t mind
doing something else
after doing this for the last 14 years.
Which bring me to traveling.
I also love travel
and have been here and there…
live in Germany for 2 years,
traveled around Europe.
For work I’ve been to Dubai
and just got back
from another trip to Amsterdam
with 1 week in Madrid and Barcelona

to boot.

I’ve also killed bamboo.
Please don’t look negativity

on me.

What am I looking for?
Tall wouldn’t hurt.
I’ve 6’2”
and like tall ladies.
I actually use it as a way
to strike up conversations.
I think too many guys

are scared of tall chicks.

I totally value experiences
over things.
That was put wonderfully!
I’m comfortable enough
to get into
some pretty crazy Halloween costumes!
I can cook
and I actually have
a rather large house plant/tree
I’ve managed to keep alive

for years!!!

Where did you visit that volcano?

Hope to hear from you soon

There is so much potential here. The guy is in my age range. He doesn’t look like an alien. He’s upbeat. He’s tall. He travels. He wrote a lovely, normal email. Except for the Bushisms. Looks like someone OD-d on Dubya speeches and news clips back in the day. Really, this guy is giving Dubya a run for his money. There’s only one way to settle this – a Battle of the Bushisms!!

Welcome, everyone, to the 2010 Battle of the Bushisms! Today’s competitors will compete in 4 categories: Best Misstatement, Best Improper Grammar Usage, Best Improper Word Usage, and Best WTF Statement. You decide the winner of each category, and the competitor with the most category wins will be crowned as Grand Bushism Poobah of 2010. And now, here are our entries:

Best Misstatement
Dubya: “Too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”

Dubya Wannabe: “I saw ya’ll just for the hell of it all the time.”

Best Improper Grammar Usage
Dubya: “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

Dubya Wannabe: “I didn’t got up with that word…”

Best Improper Word Usage
Dubya: “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

Dubya Wannabe: “Please don’t look negativity on me.”

Best WTF Statement
Dubya: “I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.”

Dubya Wannabe: ” I’ve 6’2″ and like tall ladies.”

So it’s up to all of you now – who is our Grand Bushism Poobah?


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Old man creepster

Your Profile

Wish I lived in DC :(

What do you think?

Oh, the tragedy. Yes, he lives a few hundred miles away. But the truly tragic part of this is what you can’t see…

Here we have yet another geezer that is old enough to be my father and has tricked himself into thinking that someone 18 years his junior might actually want to talk to him. Monkeys might fly out of my butt, too. You believe that, right?

Now for his profile picture. Remember when your parents dragged you to Olan Mills as a kid year after year to have your picture taken? You had to get all dressed up in an outfit that you only wore to church, then the photographer put you in front of some god-awful backdrop with a farmhouse and fall foliage or a bizzare abstract assortment of neutral colors like blue and grey. He’d sit you down on a fake log or other equally dumbass object, make you face the backdrop, arrange your arms and hands in a completely unnatural pose, tell you to crane your body around toward the camera like a Chinese contortionist, cock your head to the side and SMILE!

That’s his profile pic. Smile and say “creepy”!

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Filed under Too old, WTF

Holla

hi

Hello
I was just checking out
ur page
and I would like
to get to know
u better
as a friend
so holla back at me.

There ain’t no holla back, girl dude. I don’t holla. And besides, how does one holla over email? Riddle me that, Sir Hollalot.

And good God, he’s another one that’s just too busy to be bothered to spell out those looooong words like “you” and “your”. He probably balanced his checkbook, and baked a cake, and saved a few starving children in the DRC with all the time he saved. Sir Hollalot is smooth like that. Time management is his b*tch. Oh yeah.

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Brain thinking

Passport-wielding, music-loving gentleman caller

Hello!
Hola, Bon Jour,

Guten Tag, Aloha…

FOR starters —
I had to write the only other person I’ve found
who has a photo
petting a live cheetah.
(Take a look at my profile;
I think you’ll like it.)
More than that,
I really wanted to introduce myself
as an active,
adventurous,
outdoorsy travel buff.

But wait – there’s more!

What else about me?
I also started out working
as a [prestigious school]-trained engineer…
but somewhere mid-course changed to a job
that pays me to travel the world
and do lots of brain thinking.
I also read Arthur Frommer’s Budget Travel…
and I once wrote for [popular travel guidebook].
I can’t sing a note…
but I do have a good ear
and know and appreciate
classical music.
I’m pretty darn good
at grilling a steak…
no promises
on he lping you save your houseplants.
And I’ve got a good-sized brain…
an even bigger heart…

and a huge sense of humor.

So, what can I say?
If you’d like to meet a great guy
who’s part Indiana Jones and part Monty Python,
let me know
and we’ll see if I’m your match.
It’s worth an email to find out…

Oh, my, a gentleman caller! I’ve been sitting here in the parlor of my antebellum mansion, dressed to the nines in a hoop skirt and yards of lace, staying quiet with a smile on my face as all proper ladies should (it’s our place), just WAITING for a gentleman caller to come woo me! WTF.

Mobile Azalea Trail Maids

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, is it really necessary to say hello to me 5 times? I suppose The Gentleman feels the need to showcase his great language skills. ‘Cause that’s just the start of all the, um, “showcasing” in this email.

While I’m thinking about it, I should probably put out a warning that an email this ridiculous and egotistical warrants much more than the usual amount of mockery. Get ready and fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a long one…

Now back to our regularly scheduled mocking. Congratulations on also having petted a cheetah. Here, have a cookie. Feel proud of yourself now? Great. Go home and tell your mommy all about your big day. Who’s a big boy? You’re a big boy! Yay!

Guess what. This active, adventurous, outdoorsy travel buff looks a lot like Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer, only with more of a Magnum P.I. mustache and bad glasses. I suppose I should be all hot-and-bothered with his hoity-toity education and smarts, especially since engineering didn’t give him enough of an opportunity to do “brain thinking”. I just hate it when I don’t get to do enough brain thinking. Thumb-thinking and liver-thinking just aren’t enough for me these days. *Sigh*

Oh, hey, you know that guidebook that The Gentleman wrote for? Remind me never to buy that, would you? Thanks.

What can he say? Geez, what HASN’T he said? Perhaps he could elaborate a little bit more on all his brain thinking, because he just hasn’t mentioned his brain nearly enough in this email.

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Epic desperation

Great smile n much more..

Interested in going to a hockey game
tonight
at the verizon center?
Hope to hear back..
Ciao

Oh darn! I made plans to clean the crevices in the dashboard of my car with a toothbrush tonight.

I have to wonder exactly how long someone has to go without getting laid in order to email a complete stranger and ask her out for THAT NIGHT. On top of that, Hockey Man didn’t even bother asking me my name. The nerve. The balls. The… utter desperation. Anyone who is going to respond to an email like this would have to be equally as desperate. And at that point, why bother with an actual date? Just make it a booty call – that way both parties can get the years (and years and years) of abstinence behind them as quickly as possible.

Oh, did I mention this guy was far outside my desired age range?

I have to wonder about something else, too… is it possible that this is a form email? He could have sent to this to dozens of women in the area just hoping that one of them would take the bait. But wait… what if more than one woman accepts his invitation? Then he’s automatically a STUD! Women want him! Men want to be him! Hockey Man can picture himself… waltzing into the Verizon Center… a woman on each arm… he can sense the envy of the other men and the stares of the other women wondering, “ooh, who’s that sex bomb of manly hotness?” It’s everything he’s ever dreamed of! He’s like George Clooney! Brad Pitt! He’s going to be famous!!!

I bet he went to that hockey game alone, drank himself into a stupor, and missed the Metro home. Sucker.

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Filed under Desperate, Too old, WTF

Ice ice, baby

[no title]

Hey,

I just wanted to write you
a quick note
to say hi.
So HI,
lol.
You sound great!
Well, i would love
to get to know you
and your beautifull smile
a little more.
Feel free
to call/text/email me,
whatever you prefer,
my e mail is [encrypted email address to get past the site filters],
and my number is [encrypted phone number, also to get past the site filters]

call or text me later

hopefully we’ll talk soon

Ok, Problem #1:  this guy lives in a state far, far away.

Problem #2:  so much contact information, so little time. What does he want? A little phone action? Come on, 1-900 numbers have been providing that service for years. It’s classic, just like your grandmother’s rotary dial phone.

Problem #3:  he looks just like Vanilla Ice  (more like his mugshot from 2001 rather than his days as a one-hit-wonder with gravity-defying hair).

So if any of you out there are into phone nookie with a washed-out white punk rapper that cursed himself with a name involving the use of a boring term like “Vanilla”, I can pass you this guy’s info. He is guaranteed to exceed your standards.

I would also put money on the fact that this is a form email. This guy must really need some virtual form of bang-bang, so he’s probably shooting this email out to women all over the country. This would be another man for whom I’d recommend some good old-fashioned porn. It’s more accessible, cheaper than joining online dating services, and oh, the variety!

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Filed under Desperate