Passport-wielding, music-loving gentleman caller
Hola, Bon Jour,
Guten Tag, Aloha…
FOR starters —
I had to write the only other person I’ve found
who has a photo
petting a live cheetah.
(Take a look at my profile;
I think you’ll like it.)
More than that,
I really wanted to introduce myself
as an active,
outdoorsy travel buff.
But wait – there’s more!
What else about me?
I also started out working
as a [prestigious school]-trained engineer…
but somewhere mid-course changed to a job
that pays me to travel the world
and do lots of brain thinking.
I also read Arthur Frommer’s Budget Travel…
and I once wrote for [popular travel guidebook].
I can’t sing a note…
but I do have a good ear
and know and appreciate
I’m pretty darn good
at grilling a steak…
on he lping you save your houseplants.
And I’ve got a good-sized brain…
an even bigger heart…
and a huge sense of humor.
So, what can I say?
If you’d like to meet a great guy
who’s part Indiana Jones and part Monty Python,
let me know
and we’ll see if I’m your match.
It’s worth an email to find out…
Oh, my, a gentleman caller! I’ve been sitting here in the parlor of my antebellum mansion, dressed to the nines in a hoop skirt and yards of lace, staying quiet with a smile on my face as all proper ladies should (it’s our place), just WAITING for a gentleman caller to come woo me! WTF.
Mobile Azalea Trail Maids
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, is it really necessary to say hello to me 5 times? I suppose The Gentleman feels the need to showcase his great language skills. ‘Cause that’s just the start of all the, um, “showcasing” in this email.
While I’m thinking about it, I should probably put out a warning that an email this ridiculous and egotistical warrants much more than the usual amount of mockery. Get ready and fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a long one…
Now back to our regularly scheduled mocking. Congratulations on also having petted a cheetah. Here, have a cookie. Feel proud of yourself now? Great. Go home and tell your mommy all about your big day. Who’s a big boy? You’re a big boy! Yay!
Guess what. This active, adventurous, outdoorsy travel buff looks a lot like Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer, only with more of a Magnum P.I. mustache and bad glasses. I suppose I should be all hot-and-bothered with his hoity-toity education and smarts, especially since engineering didn’t give him enough of an opportunity to do “brain thinking”. I just hate it when I don’t get to do enough brain thinking. Thumb-thinking and liver-thinking just aren’t enough for me these days. *Sigh*
Oh, hey, you know that guidebook that The Gentleman wrote for? Remind me never to buy that, would you? Thanks.
What can he say? Geez, what HASN’T he said? Perhaps he could elaborate a little bit more on all his brain thinking, because he just hasn’t mentioned his brain nearly enough in this email.