Monthly Archives: January 2010

Throwing darts

Hello

Hi, I am a [insert age here] year old male
in PA, US.
I am looking for a nice,
loyal,
sensitive lady
for a serious relationship
which can lead to marriage.
I have no kids,
never married
and do not drink
or smoke.
If interested,
please contact me
so we can get to know

each other.

Thanks

Form Email Alert! But more on that in a minute. First of all, I must point out that this guy looks like the love child of Dracula and Cher. I can easily see him in his bedroom in Bum F*ck, PA, wearing a cape and crooning “If I Could Turn Back Time” with a Romanian accent.

Ok, now back to this little issue regarding the Form Email. Anytime someone sends an email that does not mention anything about the recipient (“Hey, I’m a coffee snob, too!” “So you joined match because you like milking goats?”), it is a form email that has probably been sent to 100 other people – if not more. I can feel the desperation from 200 miles away. Hey, if this guy throws enough darts at the target, he’ll eventually hit the bullseye…. right? That’s what he thinks.

So if he’s going to throw a bunch of darts at the target, he should at least make the throw interesting. I’m feeling generous today. Let’s help this guy out. I’m going to turn his email into a Mad Lib, and ya’ll can can fill it out and give it some spunk. Ok?

“Hi, I am a (number)___ year old (mammal)________ in PA, US. I’m looking for a nice, (adjective)__________, sensitive (noun)________ for a (adjective)____________ relationship which can lead to (state of being)_____________. I have no (plural noun)__________, never (past-tense verb)_____________ and do not (verb)_______ or (verb)__________. If interested, please (verb)___________ me so we can get to (verb)___________ each other.”

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Filed under Desperate

Ladies love Linus. Or not.

Hey

whats going on?
why did u
join match?
i like
yr profile.
what do u do
for fun?
chat with u
soon

Oh, if only I could post this guy’s profile picture…  First of all, he’s cross-eyed.  And he looks a whole lot like Linus from Peanuts, minus the blanket. Hot.

Hey look, the Grammar Bandwagon is coming! I’m jumping on.

Ok, now we’re rolling. Well, then. I can only assume this is one busy and important dude, because he’s apparently much too busy to be bothered with silly things like capitalizing the first word in his sentences and spelling out super-long words like “your” and “you”. I supposed I should be flattered that he bothered with any punctuation at all. I got question marks – woot!! I’m flattered. I’m blushing. Really, I am.

And now, on to deeper subjects, such as “why did u join match”. Although I ponder this question a good bit myself, the answer is simple: because I like milking goats. “What kind of a stupid answer is that?” you ask? Well, a stupid question will get you a stupid answer. Stupid is as stupid does. Thank you, Forrest Gump.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Adventure overload

Image: Ian Kahn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are you the adventurous type?

If so,
tell me your answers
to the following

three questions:

What are three things
about you
that would make me
attracted to you,
that have nothing to do

with your appearance?

What’s the most adventurous thing
you’ve done

in the last five years?

Describe exactly
what you feel
when you are attracted to someone,
and where
in your body
you feel it.
(OK so that last one’s
not really a question…
so sue me)

I won’t sue, but I’m sure as hell not writing back.

So yes, I do like to think I’m the adventurous type, but how does answering 3 stupid questions prove to anyone that I’m adventurous? Just stop me on my search for the Holy Grail and ask me what the air-speed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow is, and I’ll be more likely to write back.

Now on to Question #1: Mr. Adventure writes to me to ask me to prove myself to him. That’s like a telemarketer that calls you and puts you on hold. “Please stay on the line for this important message.” I can flip someone off in 15 different ways, out-belch most men I know, and tell jokes that will make most people blush. Mr. Adventure, does that prove my worth? No? Oh, darn. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry myself to sleep now.

Question #2: This by itself would not be such an abnormal question, but Mr. Adventure keeps harping on adventure. Adventure, adventure, adventure! I checked out his profile – he’s not base jumping, climbing mountains, venturing off into the middle of Guyana to help build infrastructure for isolated communities, building his own experimental aircraft, or pursuing extreme ironing. All Mr. Adventure had in his profile was fluff. I at least ran off to Africa to pet a cheetah. Good kitty.

And finally, Question #3 (if you can call it a question): Mr. Adventure will now henceforth and forever more be known as… Mr. Creepy. I wonder if he goes up to girls in bars and says, “Hi, my name’s ____. Say, I was just wondering – when you’re attracted to someone, what does it feel like, and where in your body do you feel it?” Remember John Nash in the painful bar scene in the beginning of A Beautiful Mind where he goes up to a woman and starts talking about an exchange of body fluids (or something like that)? Mr. Creepy should learn not to take pick-up lessons from a socially-challenged schizophrenic genius.

This guy is better off sticking with porn.


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Filed under WTF

Ya’ll want to go out?

Hey y’all

I like Vivaldi and Berlioz
the latter mostly because
I’m pretty sure
he was on opium
when he wrote the Symphone Fantastique.
Then again,
most amazing pieces of music
are generally the product

of drug addiction…

Also, if you go to Japan
at some point
I’d like to stowaway

in your luggage

kthxbai!

Photo courtesy of http://www.zazzle.com

Well, even I have to admit that this is really a pretty entertaining email. This guy gets bonus points for the icanhascheezburger reference. And he obviously has some interest in classical music, which always hits my hot button. But…

Ya’ll? Last time I checked, there was only one of me. My name is not Dolly, nor am I a sheep. So saying “Hey ya’ll” is like saying “Hey you” multiple times. The only time I use “Hey you” is when some crap-monger driver cuts in front of me on the road. Ok, my “Hey you” is usually followed by “douchetard, *%#$ you!” or something like that. But I digress. The point is that “Hey you” can only be considered a proper salutation if it’s followed by a string of insults and 4-letter words. “Hey you, wanna grab a drink, and can I hide in your suitcase?” isn’t going to put you in anyone’s good graces. Neither is assuming that the person is… people.

That’s it, ya’ll.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Double no.

Hi

You’re pics are great,
you’re tall
and you like to travel.
nice…

would you like to meet?

…and a second email a few weeks later:

hi

I think we have
a lot in common.
Except for the opera,

but I’m willing to learn.

Do you want to meet sometime?

Translation: “I’m desperate, and I need to get laid.”


Not to mention, emailing me twice? No, I did not respond to the first email (really, would you?). Desperation is not sexy. Neither is having grammar skills on par with a 6th grader. I bet my 13 year-old cousin could write a paper better than this guy. Well, at the very least, I bet he knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

Never ask someone out in the first email.  This guarantees no date and no nookie.

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Filed under Desperate, Stalker

Get your conversation elsewhere

holy moly…

you’re a hottie!
Can a man get

a conversation?

I know what you’re thinking
YES I do have pics!
Im just wary of posting them
online
for the world to see!
So
if you like
I can send you pics….
care to chat?

Well of course this guy can get a conversation.  They sell those at Target, right?   The conversation aisle is usually somewhere between the home goods and the appliance sections.  I hope he can find one there, because he sure isn’t going to get any conversation from me.

Also, it’s pretty obvious from his lovely little email that he didn’t post any pictures of himself.  I sucked it up and posted pictures of myself, and I want someone who’s man enough to do the same.  Do you think this guy would have written me if I hadn’t posted any pictures of myself?  Of course he wouldn’t have.  Conversation DENIED.

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Filed under WTF

Lessons in southern vocabulary

Hey [my username]

I usually won’t write
to anyone who says
they want to meet a man
who has never been married
and who has no children…
but there are so many things
that make sense
in us
enjoying one another
I thought I should write you anyways

and see what happens.

My mother is originally from [same state I’m from]
so I am sure
that we would love
to hang out together
and to head south for visits

etc.

I am an explorer’s explorer
because I will go anywhere
anytime

for any reason.

When I hang out with the right friends
and family
i’ve been known to drop
a few darlin’s
a sweethearts
and y’alls git’ers

etc.

I love all kinds of music too
and used to tour
playing rock music…
but I really love
making beautiful music
I would love to hear you
singing
all the time!!
I love classical music!!
I dream of travel and adventure.
I so love experience
over material,
but I do love fine food and wine
and that means it is often
a bit spendy…
I don’t think that counts

as shallow or materialistic.

I think we should hang out
as soon as you are free!!

Hang out?  I’m sorry, but I’m currently busy running for the hills.  Why?  Well, my profile clearly states that I’m looking for someone who does NOT have children. ZERO spawn. Kids = dealbreaker. Call it insensitive, picky, I don’t care. If you have kids, please shop for a date elsewhere. I have a spider plant dying in my living room. Think those things are impossible to kill? Think again. If I can’t keep that thing alive, no one should trust me around their offspring.

Aside from that, I can’t help but ask a couple of questions:

1.  WTF is a “ya’lls git’er”?  This sounds like like a bovine intestinal disease. If he’s dropping ya’lls git’ers, perhaps Daddy-o should see a doctor. I’m not cleaning that mess up.

2.  WTF is an “explorer’s explorer”? I don’t have a dadgum clue.  But like many people, when I want to find out about something, I consult the vast knowledge of Google. A quick Google Image search of “explorer’s explorer” gave me this from the Marion County, Ohio Sheriff’s Office:

I wonder if that’s what he meant…?  Hope those boys aren’t dropping any ya’lls git’ers up in that picture.

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Filed under WTF