Name that wild animal!

hi there.

How on Earth did you end up
next to a tiger?
Must be
a good story there!
What can you share
about singing?
Have a favorite composer?
that’s enough questions
for now!

When I was 2 years old, my grandmother came to help take care of me while my father had surgery. My father had an older-than-dirt green pickup truck with CHEVROLET spelled in big white letters on the tailgate. I was just learning to read a few words at this ripe old age, so one day when my grandmother and I were walking around the yard (ok, Granny was walking – I was doing that groovy toddler waddle), my grandmother pointed at the truck tailgate and said to me, “My dear, can you spell that?” I promptly started rattling off the letters. “C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T.”

“Wonderful, sweetheart! Now what does that spell?”


So folks, here’s your lesson for the day:  C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T spells “truck”, and cheetahs look just like tigers.   I mean, I totally thought I was petting a tiger until the cheetah set me straight.

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Filed under Dumber than a 5th grader

Fear the Crossing Guard

crossing guard

I also used to be
a crossing guard…
Money wasn’t great,
but to control the traffic!!!
That is power,

Wow, our Viking from last week has really gone downhill (yep, this would be a second yet equally strange email from him) – from Nordic Overlord to school crossing “cop”. I’d say he’s taking it in stride, though, don’t you think? I mean, if I had gone from sailing the seas and plundering foreign nations all with horns on my head to making a Toyota Corolla stop for a kid in a crosswalk, I’d probably fall into a serious depression and contemplate stabbing myself with those leftover horns.

But not The Viking. Oh no, he will wield the power of his whistle and safety vest because LIVES ARE IN HIS HANDS. You tell that Corolla who’s boss!

Thanks, Jwhandyman of Freaking News!


Filed under WTF

The Viking


How long have you been
a Viking?
Being a Viking
has always been my goal…
All that plundering,
over eating
and drinking….
Now that is living.

We all learn something new every day, right?  Well, unless you’re sitting on your couch all day because you overdid those tequila shots last night, in which case you learn that you should never shoot tequila again – at least until next weekend.  But I digress – I have indeed learned something about myself today, and it didn’t require oodles of tequila.  Ladies and gentlemen, I am apparently a Viking.  Well, *&#% me 3 ways ’til Sunday!  And all this time I thought I was British, Native American, and German…

So I guess I should be wearing horns and plundering, huh?  Can girls even do that…?


Filed under WTF

Good email of the month


You have
a very interesting profile!
Is opera
your preferred singing style?
I’m starting
to listen to more classical music
and have wanted to listen to opera
for awhile,
but didn’t know where to start.
Do you
have any recommendations?
Agree re: the mango.
I bought a mango slicer
off of amazon
and it’s been awesome.
just wanted to say “hi.”
If my profile seems interesting to you,
I’d love to hear back.
Hope you’re having a good start
to your week.

Complete sentences!  Proper punctuation!  I have died and gone to grammar heaven.

Thank you, Say No to Crack!

Hats off to this guy (and his English teachers) for keeping it short, sweet, personal, AND introducing me to the concept of a mango slicer.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a mango slicer to shop for…


Filed under Good Email of the Month

The 5th Black Eyed Pea


Yes… I am younger…
That doesnt mean
you shouldnt give me a chance.
I am interested in someone
a lil older than me
(not a cougar haha)
Because I want a serious relationship
or something
that could build up to one.
WOmen in this area that are my age
like partying a lil too much
for me.
I enjoy a night out,
but not at a club.
More of a nice dinner,
a couple drinks…
good convorsation.
If you really do want someone
who is a lil old fashonsed…
I might be the guy
for you.
I am from a small farming type community in Illinois,
and I was raised to treat women
a certian way…
but only if they deserve
to be treated well…
If you want to be treated
like a classy lady,
then you have to act like one.
And if you that kind of girl…
I will do just about anything
to satisfy you
on EVERY level :)
Plus I am sincere,
genuinely NICE,
and might be able to make you laugh.

I hate to break it to this guy, but “Lil’ Lil'” is a Black Eyed Peas song. “Lil” is not a word. And I’m assuming his spell check was on hiatus given the convorsation and the fashonsed and whatnot. I hope he doesn’t like to play Scrabble… that would not end well.

Then he has to go and lecture me on being classy. Dude, I am classy with a capital K. So, that’s great that you want to satisfy me on every level and all, but shall we address that at a later time, say, sometime AFTER the initial email? That’d be great, thanks. My klassy ass would appreciate it.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, WTF

Couch potato


nice to meet you
my name is [name]. .
okay a little bit about me
I run a travel agency called [blahblahblah]
so I travel a lot.
I am a big baseball fan
and I’m big movie person
my favorite movies are
back to the future,
Star Wars,
and much more.
I love TV shows like
attack of the show,
totally rad show,
how I Met your mother,
big bang theory
and so on.
I love to try new things
and love to meet new people
in the process.
Try to work out once a day.
I lost 85 pounds
so working out
is important to me.
I hope this is to peak your interest up
for talking to you in the future
PS: Are you on Yahoo Messenger
My Yahoo Messenger name is [screen name]
or on AIM name is [another screen name]

Help! I’m being attacked by run-on sentences!! They’re going so fast that the capitalization can’t even keep up!! Oh wait… run on sentences don’t actually run. Good thing – I’m a slow runner. *Whew*

Speaking of running and whatnot, I have to give this guy props for losing 85 lbs. That’s tough stuff. Congrats, dear sir. So we both like to stay in reasonable shape – we have something in common! But… only that. I must admit, I have not even heard of half the tv shows he lists. If he’d actually taken the time to read my profile rather than just firing off this un-proofread form email, he’d have seen that I don’t watch movies (I don’t dislike them, I just don’t ever watch them unless I’m trapped in a pressurized metal tube that’s blasting through the skies for an unbearably long period of time), nor do I watch TV. If I ever feel like turning myself into a couch potato, though, I’ll IM this guy.


Filed under Desperate

Shower Shot

Fast Food

I love
in and out burger.
It was my favorite restaurant
when I lived in Cali.

Yes, In-n-Out Burger is awesome. I won’t go quite so far and say that it’s my favorite restaurant, though. Yes, I love it enough to kiss a drive-through sign, but it’s still a dadgum fast food chain. But no matter, this guy loves In-n-Out, and I respect that. Shoot, I more than respect that – I think it’s great. So what’s my problem then, you ask? Well, it would be his profile picture. Burger Man woke up all hung over one morning and apparently decided that he needed a picture of himself for his profile, and he needed it RIGHT THEN. What’s a guy to do? Grab the camera (hey, at least it wasn’t a cell phone camera), run into the bathroom, do not brush hair, do not allow camera to focus, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Take picture in bathroom mirror. While scowling. Done! Upload to website and wait for the honeys to start pouring in!

Any profile picture with a shower curtain in the background is a quintessential FAIL.

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Filed under WTF

The Weatherman

I enjoyed reading your profile.
how’s your summer going?
What has made you
really enjoyed the summer

so far?

… a few weeks later…


I enjoyed reading your profile.
How was your summer?
are you ready for the colder weather
that’s just around the corner?

Wow, he’s so curious about my summer that he emailed me about it twice.  Say, I heard something about a cold front coming in tomorrow and possibly bringing some rain… I wonder if The Weatherman can tell me more about it?   I bet he predicted the Snowmaggedon we had earlier in the year, too.  Hey, if there’s ever a tornado headed your way, THIS is the guy to know.  He can tell you whether you need to duck for cover and start praying or if you can just sit on your couch and display your middle finger to the tornado sirens.  Weather ESP!  I bet tornado chasers would pay him a hefty sum for his talents.  He could make a killing in the midwest ordering them around so that they don’t hit flying cows and die and whatnot.  So what’s The Weatherman doing here in DC asking me what made me enjoyed the summer?  Go (mid)west, young man!!  And work on conjugating those verbs.

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Filed under Bad Grammar, Stalker, WTF

The Eager Beaver, Part 4


What didn’t you like
about my profile?

I can just see his upper lip jutting out and quivering. Stalker, Texas Ranger, please don’t cry. Your tears will not entice me to write you back, much less go out with you. Run along. Shoo.

I’m guessing from this response that he didn’t catch on to the fact that I sent him a canned response conveniently provided by the website. So, time to take another avenue to final rejection: The Block.

“This user has been successfully blocked.”  BOOM! Virtual brick wall in yo’ face!

Stalker, Texas Ranger can stalk me no more. WIN!!1!

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Filed under Desperate, Stalker